I have finally decided to start blogging, and devote myself to my writing in a more focused and determined way.
I realize most everyone who will blog my age, is probably already blogging and has been for quite a few years. But when it comes to technology I’ve always been a bit behind. I think I’ll blame my parents. We didn’t have a computer in our house until I was 13, and didn’t have internet until I was 16, and then it was dial up. They still heat their house with wood. This may sound like an exaggerated joke, but in fact bringing in wood was my most detested childhood chore. However, it does make for a wonderfully toasty basement
This existence of being several steps behind when it came to anything technological didn’t stop when I left and started college though. So I suppose blaming my parents will do nothing but reside as an excuse.
Stumble upon is something I used a bit maybe two years ago. I have tweeted once, at Ben’s insistence. I’m very fuzzy on what tumbr is (is that the right spelling?) and I’m constantly confused what a gif is, or meme, or are those interchangeable? Though I do know my good friend Pedro is big on posting them on my facebook wall, and I get a kick out of them, which ever it is that would go on a wall.
This could easily be because I have no natural aptitude toward anything that has to do with computers. When it comes to something I can touch, I’m awesome at figuring things out and fixing things. I love calling myself handy, and don’t think that is too much of a stretch. But computers confound me in a way rarely found in Generation Y. For example, setting up this blog originated with about 4 hours of trying to customize my menu, getting exactly no where, becoming very upset and slamming my computer shut, practically in tears, then going to bed. A few days later Ben got me further along the set up in roughly 15 minutes.
Now that I have my total and utter ineptitude with technology and computers covered, I think I have to admit the other thing that has been holding me back from actually starting a blog: Fear.
Here is a little tid bit about myself. When it comes to something that isn’t that important to me, or something I know I am already good at, I am very good at truly not giving a shit what other people think. However, when it is something that I want so badly to be good at, everyone’s opinion matters to me. I know everyone would face some trepidation, but with me I will admit I have a mind crippling fear. Trying hard at something important to me brings up emotions in me that stood in my way long enough. That little voice in the back of my mind speaks up “No one will like it” “No one will read it” “You’re no good at it anyway” I suppose failure is my actual fear, but when it stands in the way of me actually trying to do something, I will still call it “fear of trying”. Can I coin that? Kirstenaphobia? Most of the time in my life, admitting a problem gets me most of the way there to fixing it. That didn’t happen when I realized this about myself. Thus, more drastic actions needed to be taken.
I want to be a writer, very badly. So I write, a lot. Most is probably terrible, and some is probably okay. But as long as my writing remains safe between pages in the notebooks I keep in my nightstand, and under vague titles living in my hard drive, I never really have to hear either way. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter at that point. So this is my attempt at casting off the safety of anonymity and silence and finally putting something out in the world.